Brief highlights of the past four weeks, before I head off to slumber city:

• Got to spend some time with a good friend, having dinner and drinks and watching Inception (again! for I had seen it with Jeb and Andrew and company a few nights before).
• Jetted off to Portland on the wings of an monarch butterfly (or riding shotgun with Jen, but really, the first sounds better).
• Went to Andy and Morgan’s new apartment (riding shotgun again — no butterflies involved! — this time with Steve) for a rockin’ murder mystery party, where David and Tisha, Paul, Chang and Russell, and Steve R. (if you see this, sorry! Oregon Steve is Primary Steve now) were accusing and eating and brushing away the feathers I kept shedding throughout the night.
• Was picked up by Timoteo, and reconnected with Brian and met John, Christina, and Robbie (although, technically, I had met him before… when he was ten) over Rock Band and drinks and my declining impromptu hot tub times.
• Spent last Saturday in Seattle with Nick, eating a sub from Tat’s and texting like mad before heading up to Auburn to see Rush! With VIP seats! (thank you thank you thank you to Paul, Jenni, and Nick for this)
• Went out once more with Timoteo, where I helped him pick out bedding for his really really nice apartment and reconnected while watching his washing machine have a hissy fit.

I’ll be on my way out the door again in the morning for another weekend of awesomeness, for El Nutri Taco and Jen await in Portland! (Seriously, El Nutri Taco is worth a trip to Portland. It’s that good, yo.) Maybe this time I’ll actually take pictures? Oh, who knows, but at least I’m sure I’ll be happy, and that’s what counts more than anything right now. Life isn’t perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s still pretty wonderful right now.

Last month was pretty bananas. Not only did I go through quite a bit of Emotional Turmoil (which will remain mine and mine alone, I don’t feel that candid tonight) but I did some traveling! And I’ve already done some this month, so as long as I can get out of Washington’s I-5 corridor, then I’ll have quite the track record for this year!

First, Seattle!

side note: I will never look this good again

I went from going there maybe once every three months to being there just about every weekend in June (save the one where I was… wait! got to save something for later!) and kinda sorta one crazy airport evening. One time I went just because, and by “just because” I mean “just because Comcast’s connection kept dropping and Nick can’t work from home without the internet, so let’s goooooo).  Another weekend, Nick worked in the office and then we hung out with his newly-transplanted-from-New York friend ‘Tino, and then the weekend after I went to [LATER] there was a forum meetup where I drank a lot of beer and then spilled some of it while playing air piano and pretended to watch the World Cup and ended up having a crush on David’s ladyfan when the three of us went thrifting in Fremont afterward. I also got to meet Jamie and Becky’s little one, who was just absolutely the stuff. I mean, seriously, she gives Lor a run for her money at that age. Before the last weekend, though, Nick and I drove up to pick up Andy and his wife to take them to the airport, and it was nice meeting them too.

Meanwhile, in the middle of that, I went to Portland!

one of three pictures of portland proper, and one of those is from a train window outside of union station (the last one is also of union station)

I had promised Jen that I would go visit her in June, and oh, she did not let me forget it. Train tickets were bought, plans were made, and Portland was awesome. She and I hung out with her littles and ate strawberry shortcake and had a drink together and went to IKEA and had a really great time. I also ended up spending time with Steve, a fellow forumite, and even though we really didn’t know each other all that well going into it, we ended up getting along famously and having a really great time over drinks and deliciousness and looking at videogames and getting slightly lost on the way back to Union Station (I am a good navigator in Washington). Steve wants to make a Portland meetup happen, and I’ll definitely be heading down for that when (not if!) it does.

Sometime after I got back, I ended up getting garlic fries and drinks in the middle of the night with Pat, who I hadn’t seen in too long (read: a year), and we spent post-last call time on my front step, doing equal parts catching up and reminiscing. Eventually, after one more Seattle trip (as mentioned previously), a random excursion approached!

Leavenworth!

I'd really like to see the maypole in action someday (god, that sounded really wrong)

On a whim, Nick said to me “hey, let’s go somewhere. you choose!” and I was like “um… okay!” So I gave him the choice of Long Beach and Leavenworth and he (obviously) chose the latter, so we ended up packing a suitcase and road-tripping it! We drank beer and ate wurst in an Authentic Bavarian Biergarten where they had an Authentic Bavarian DJ playing Authentic Bavarian Reggae (it was locals night, so extra authentic). We also hit up a bar where we kept on drinking while listening to more ABR. The next morning was spent window shopping, and we did one of those wacky dress-up costume photo things in Bavarian-esque garb. Since Nick is burly and bearded, he could pull off the look with ease. As far as Authentic Asian-Bavarian milkmaids go, I think I looked pretty okay considering the fact that I couldn’t see a damn thing. (Oh, wait, you want to actually see the photo? That’s what comments are for, folks.) (Oh yeah, I just did that, I’m shameless.)

When we were heading back to Oly, instead of taking the boring I-90 route back, on a whim we decided to go the most indirect way possible. Thank goodness we were in Washington, because my excellent navigational skills came in handy:

I wasn't joking when I said it was indirect

In Ellensburg, I was mortified to find my sociology professor ahead of the line in the cafe we stopped in. I wasn’t mortified because I didn’t like her — quite the opposite, actually, for she really helped me find my direction regarding my studies. I tried to hide in order to avoid having to broach contract (no, really, I am that shy), and thank goodness she recognized me (but I don’t think she remembered my name anymore) and I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. We walked around in circles trying to find their invisible visitors center before heading to Yakima to buy an SD card and cut through Packwood to get back on I-5. This was the first time Nick had seen mountains that up close, Central Washington, and other parts of Washington that weren’t on the corridor. It was a really fun trip and just therapeutic in ways that I can’t even begin to explain.

For now, the traveling is done — I’m saving up money for a possible Labor Day trip to places unknown, and next weekend I’m sticking around so I can (finally!) go see Theater Artists Olympia’s production of Othello. At the end of the month, I’m forgoing my crazyexpensive high school reunion to go to Andy and Mrs. Andy’s murder mystery party! It’s a costume party too, so I’m going to be hitting the thrift stores to find a really awesome outfit once I find out who I’m playing, and I’m just way too excited about this. After said party, I may end up at Pints and Quarts for some (more?) drinking and socializing for us broke non-reunioners, so even better!

June was pretty good, despite all of the emotional upheaval and eek and ack and yeah, but July! With murders and costumes and roadtrips and such, I don’t see how it can go wrong! (please don’t try to prove me wrong, july)

While I can’t pretend to fully understand the complexity of what he’s feeling, I think I can see a glimpse of it through my own eyes, and it makes a bit more sense to me now.

For a family steeped in mental health issues due to my brother’s autism, their views on the issue in general are… yes. My father does not believe in therapy, counseling, or the ilk, and while my mother is a bit more open to those concepts, the thought of someone “normal” needing those things is beyond her. As the “normal” child in the family, I’ve struggled with my feelings of inadequacy and guilt my entire life, needing to be some form of stability for them. I couldn’t tell them that I couldn’t deal with my problems, because what were my problems in comparison to what they were going through with Joseph?

My coping mechanisms became reading, and eventually my violin, but no matter how I would throw myself into those things, it couldn’t take everything away. I felt alone, utterly alone. I would pick up leaflets sent out by Parent 2 Parent, longing to meet other kids like me, wondering if they felt the same crushing pressure that I did, if these feelings were normal. My unhappiness consumed me to the point where in middle school, I went so far as to swallow a handful of pills one day in my bedroom, watching the walls blur and phase out of existence. Thankfully, that’s all the pills did, but I was racked with guilt afterward. One day, my mother went in my room and found my journal, reading the entry where I talked about wanting to swallow my life away. I ended up getting yelled at and my door was removed from my room. For a person who values their privacy more than anything tangible, that was probably the worst thing to happen.

Ever since that day, I’ve never let myself entertain the thought of suicide. The idea of an eternal sleep frightens the hell out of me, which is probably why I battle with insomnia. More often than not, I’ve locked myself in the house for days, even weeks at a time, letting the world roll on without me, too afraid to let anybody in. At least within these walls, I knew what was going on. This mess was mine, this wreck was mine, and I didn’t have to worry about anyone else coming in and judging me. When I decided to change things around, to make myself into someone who could be true to her heart without being dominated by her fear, it was hard. I made myself go outside and take walks, began reaching out to people and returned phone calls. I logged onto AIM and reconnected with old friends and acquaintances. I let myself open up again, and it felt nice.

However, with all of these changes, pieces behind the scenes began to shift, and I found myself not knowing who I was or where I belonged.

A couple of months ago, I woke up in a terrible place. I felt like a giant fuck-up whose black thumb corrupted everything she touched. Opening up my e-mail, I realized the one thing I had been looking forward to — an afternoon spent working on a project with a friend — wasn’t going to happen after all, and all of a sudden I felt more alone than I had in a long time. Lorelei was at school and Nick was in Seattle: there was nothing but myself and silence.

So I did what anyone would do in that situation — I went to YouTube and pulled up Eric’s cat videos. As I was sitting there, giggling at his cats being crazy, my phone rings. It’s Matt, whom I haven’t talked to in quite some time! His life was just chock-full of great news, and time just ticked by until I hung up the phone and noticed that three hours had passed by. Three hours! And while I’d been on, I’d missed a phone call from said friend who had to cancel on me that day, so I ended up calling him back and spending two hours on the phone.

Saves like that aren’t common — my phone doesn’t ring very much anymore and my unlimited text plan sometimes seems silly (except when Dan decides to hold a text conversation for an hour and a half). It did make me realize that I do need people, even though the very thought of putting myself out there scares the fuck out of me. I’ve been trying my best to overcome those fears in very small steps: I went to a show (and remembered how much I love going to shows), bumped into old friends, and am taking another trip next weekend. This time, it’s to Portland to visit Jen and her family because I had promised I’d go to her in June, since she’s always driving up here with the kids. This Saturday, I’m heading up to Seattle and spending time with Tino, maybe heading up to some museums or something.

There’s just a lot going on right now. All the elements of my life feel like they’ve been thrown in some lottery number machine and are waiting to be plucked out and set on a stand, stable. You’re not stable now, but you will be, my closest friend told me a few days ago.  At the time, I nodded, but god, my heart was screaming out: how can you believe that? the only stability in my life is fucking things up. why do you have faith in me? I’m just going to let you down. I’m just going to let me down. After sitting down and really thinking about it, though, I began to realize that yes, I can get through this. I may not believe that I’m brave or particularly strong, but damnit, I’m stubborn.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I magically know who I am. That would be a foolish, foolish thing to claim, especially since I don’t know if I’ll ever have that answer. (The philosopher who was once in my life would say that having that would take the meaning out of everything.) However, I think I’m making progress. I’m working toward things, trying to not let myself get the best of me. I don’t always succeed, but whatever happens, I at least know that my efforts are not for nothing.

Wish me luck. I’ll need it from here on out.

(EDIT: Said philosopher? Well, we just talked for about twenty minutes while he was getting ready for graduation! This is what I mean by things happening when I need them the most.)

My plan was to save the bulk of my budget for June for things like future trips and whatnot. Then I saw this coat.

It was in the clearance racks at Macy’s. I mean, sure, it doesn’t look like anything extraordinary in the photo, but it’s really sublime — the cuffs have these cute cross-stitchy details and the lapels and bottom hems are rounded, giving it a soft, approachable look. The best part was that it was originally $166 and was marked down to $55. I carried it around with me for about twenty minutes before saying “fuck it” and setting it down before the sales clerk.

(The best best part about the coat? It’s a large and fits me like a glove.)

I thought I was done there. Ha!

Meet my new shoes. They were originally $50, but after half-off (plus my mother’s discount from using her Macy’s card, which I got on the coat as well), I paid about $23.50. The shoes actually go quite well with the coat, and I’m already excited to pair them with other things in my closet.

Then I bought Nick’s birthday present, went out for drinks with Jeb, and impulse bought two more pairs of shoes online (I can return them at the local Macy’s if they don’t fit — the shipping was free!). Let’s not even take into account the fact that I’m going to Portland in mid-June to visit Jen, to Seattle at the end of the month for a probable Talking Time meetup, and that Patrick’s going to be in town and ready for some drunken catching up, and that I’ve got a baby shower and a christening on the first and last weekends of the month…

… I was doing really well for the last few months (Austin expenses don’t count — spending while traveling isn’t real spending), but I kind of went crazy all in the span of twenty-four hours. Oh, I hope that one of these jobs I’m applying for pulls through.

P.S.: hello mommy

It took me a moment to realize that it wasn’t actually Lor’s stepmom-to-be that was IMing me, but Lor herself! At first I was a bit skeptical…

LMR: Hi there!
LMR: Are you really typing this, Lor?
LMR: Or have you paid someone to do so?

… but by the time I got my response, I knew that she had to be replying.

Lor: what areyou doing
Lor: \yes

Because I’m going to be that archetypal embarrassing parent, I feel that it is my internet responsibility to chronicle this milestone for posterity’s sake.

LMR: I’m talking to a friend and listening to some music while watching Uncle Joseph
LMR: Your Lola went with Grandma to visit a new baby.
Lor: can we do somthing on monday
LMR: of course!
LMR: Are you coming home on Sunday night?
Lor: yes
Lor: like what/
LMR: What do you have in mind?
LMR: Nick will be off, so we can go somewhere if you like.
LMR: Keep in mind that there will be traffic.
Lor: i mean where/
LMR: I don’t know! You have to help decide!
Lor: h well maby ruby tuesday
LMR: Oh? I thought you didn’t like Ruby Tuesdays?
Lor: beacuse first i hated and now i like it
LMR: It’s because of the ice cream, isn’t it?
Lor:
LMR: Oh man, your first smiley!
LMR: It’s like your first internet baby step!
LMR: Is there anything else you’d like to do on Monday?
Lor: cliff caut another chipmunk today
LMR: Was it a baby this time?
Lor: yes but he ate it
LMR: Oh no!
LMR: Did he get in trouble?
Lor: no
LMR: Poor baby chipmunk…
LMR: … although wouldn’t it be a squirrel?
LMR: I didn’t think we had many chipmunks around here.
Lor: can we get some coffee
LMR: Sure!
Lor: but it was a squirll
LMR: Well, you wrote “chipmunk” at first, so that’s why I asked.
LMR: They’re easy to confuse. It’s cool.
Lor: yeahe
LMR: Is typing hard for you?
Lor: no its just i have hard time spelling
LMR: You’re doing a pretty great job, considering that this is your first time really typing extensively.
LMR: I’m really proud of you.
Lor: thank you
LMR: You’re welcome!
LMR: When you get home tomorrow, we can figure out if there’s anything else you’d like to do on Monday.
LMR: I’ll try to get most of my homework done before then so we can stay out all day, if that’s what you want to do.
LMR: Maybe you can do some brainstorming and think about things you’d like to do in the meantime?
Lor: can you show me where the countries are from our world map
Lor: for passport
LMR: Oh, sure!
LMR: Do you have your map, or do you need me to look it up online?
Lor: i only have the one whith words
LMR: Okay, I can print out a map for you.
LMR: We can study that at the coffee shop if you like.
LMR: That’s what grown-ups do — study at coffee shops.
Lor: thank you very much and we could go and study at cutters point or another coffee place
LMR: Well, maybe we can go to the Cutter’s Point that’s near the post office. That one’s a bit nicer and they make better drinks.
Lor: okay
LMR: It’s a date!
Lor: check
LMR: Awesome!
LMR: Should I let you go so you can do stuff with your dad and P?
Lor: ok bye
LMR: Bye, honey!

I can’t begin to tell you how tickled I am over this. Yeah, yeah, kids and the internet and too young and all, but still! For her first time really typing, much less having a conversation, this is pretty fantastic. I’m proud of her.

The best thing is that when I told Nick (who was at home during this), he asked for her screen name so he could message her. He thought the kid signed up for her own AIM account! Shows how plugged in we all are, hm?